so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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