There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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