I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
