It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
