Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
