I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
