I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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