ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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