Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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