Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
