3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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