she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
