Porn is love you can see.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
