he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
