Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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