How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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