if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
