I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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