Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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