I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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