remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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