Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Sext me about skeletons
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
