Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
