How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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