We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
