You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
my shit smells like andre
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
