Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
