so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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