did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize