oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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