Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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