My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
