watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
