Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
