We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
