you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
This gyro tastes like lonliness
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't turn off my feet"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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