i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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