Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
