new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
