Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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