The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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