I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
