I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
