New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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