I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
