Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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