careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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