the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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