I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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