the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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